


all of the stars

by clemmingstho (whiskylouis)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Army, Fluff, M/M, harry is really deep sometimes, idk man, just a mention tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-29
Updated: 2014-10-29
Packaged: 2018-02-23 03:21:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2532227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whiskylouis/pseuds/clemmingstho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the one where louis and harry are soul  mates but they're also both a bit stupid and a bit heartbroken</p>
            </blockquote>





	all of the stars

\- lower case intended -

dealing with loss is always hard. no matter who you lose, a family member or a pet or a friend, it's hard. it's hard to think of what they used to do and how they're not doing it anymore. you still have the picture of them doing it in your head and that just makes it worse, makes you want to scratch your eyes out just so you don't have to see it.

harry always believed there were two kinds of loss. the first kind is when you lose someone and you know they're not coming back and the second one is when you lose someone but they're still there, still so close as if you could reach out and touch them but you know you can't because they're not yours to touch anymore. the second one is when you still see them everyday and you talk to them and pretend everything is fine. harry believed the second one is the worst kind of loss.

when harry first met louis he knew he was the one. he knew when he saw those blue eyes, shining as he looked around himself. he knew when he saw that beautiful smile that could turn the worst kind of day in the best one. he knew when they first talked. he knew when they first kissed. he knew when louis told him they can't be together, that it was a mistake. he knew when louis told him he's leaving for army in a week.

they spent the following week together, them and their friends and it was fine. harry was fine, except it wasn't fine because harry would sill do anything for louis, would do anything just to have another night with him and that's when harry knew he was dealing with the second kind of loss. but the week passed and louis left and harry went to his flat and locked he doors and stared into nothing. he would be fine, he told himself, he would be fine and he would move on and be happy. but he _couldn't_. move on, that is, or be happy. he couldn't because he could still see louis, still hear louis but he knew it wasn't real no matter how much he wanted it to be. it should be easier now that louis was gone, should be easier to breathe and see but it wasn't, it just got harder. harder to breathe while knowing louis is gone, harder to see past the memories of him. harder to fight the darkness pulling him down, down, down into the nothingness. so he stopped fighting and let the darkness pull him under.

when harry next saw the light, he was in a hospital. he blinked a couple of times and it took him a couple of seconds that zayn, sitting on the sofa across the room, was talking on his phone. he didn't make a noise, probably couldn't even if he tried and every single part of his body hurt as he listened to zayn. listened but he didn't really pay attention - not until he heard louis' name.  
''louis.'' zayn said again. ''yeah, he's stable.'' a pause and harry figured louis asked what happened. ''i don't know, he hasn't left his flat for a while and i went to check on him and found him passed out...the doctor said he's dehydrated and apparently he hasn't been eating...no, it happened after you left...yes, right after...well, no. his heart still isn't beating fast enough...lou, it's really horrible.'' zayn sighed. harry could just imagine louis pinching the bridge of his nose, could imagine him sighing and nodding. he could imagine him saying ' _alright, i'll be there as soon as possible_ ' because zayn shook his head as if louis could see him and said _no, don't come here, you have a job now, louis_. and that's when harry felt the tears falling from his eyes and the room started spinning and he couldn't breathe and then there were people around him and everyone was talking and then something was pushed in his vein and it got dark again.

he couldn't see but he could feel and hear. he could feel the needles in his arms and he could hear people talking in whispers. he figured he could see if he wanted to; his eyes were closed but he didn't want to see. didn't want to open his eyes and see zayn but not louis. didn't want to speak but before he could help himself he was mumbling the only word he could remember but it came out strangled, like he was choking, like he was drowning. and he was, he was drowning, choking on his own tears. ''louis.'' he felt small, warm fingers wrap around his own and he sqeezed his eyes shut tighter. ''lou.'' it came out like a broken whimper and the fingeres tighetened around him.

  
''open your eyes, love.'' it was louis' voice, soft and silky. ''c'mon, hazza, open your eyes for me.''  
it was louis' voice but he couldn't open his eyes, couldn't stand seeing zayn but not louis, because even though it was louis' voice, it didn't make his heart race and his breath shorten. louis wasn't here, he was in army across the country.  
''no.'' harry's voice was bubbly, he was still drowning, his eyes shut as tight as he could, feeling the tears on his cheeks, his lips, his neck. there were fingers on his shoulders now, shaking him, telling him to open his eyes. he couldn't stand it anymore, couldn't stand the darkness, had to see him, had to see louis. but as he opened his eyes louis wasn't there, only zayn, looking sorry.  
''louis isn't here, haz.'' he muttered. ''he'll be here soon.''  
harry should be happy to hear that he was comming but he wasn't, couldn't let him see him like this.  
''no.'' harry whimpered. ''tell him not to come, tell him i'm fine.''  
''harry, he's already here.'' zayn's voice was soft, like he was trying not to talk loudly. ''he's been here for almost a week, i told him to go shower. he's at your flat right now, hopefully sleeping.'' his smile was soft as well and harry didn't know how to react. he closed his eyes again and shook his head, not sure what to say. he heard zayn sigh.  
''how long have you been here?''  
''i took louis to your flat but other than that i've been here ever since i brought you in.''  
''go home.''  
''harry-''  
''zayn, i'm just gonna sleep. go home and rest.'' he looked at the older boy and sqeezed his hand. ''you look like shit.'' he smiled. ''go shave as well, you look like a teddy bear.''  
zayn laughed and stood up, streching. ''alright, i'll tell your doctor to call me if something happens.'' he paused. ''louis will probably be here soon.'' harry nodded and tried to smile and zayn said goodbye and then he was alone again.

harry rubbed his eye, wincing as the needle poked him in the wrong way. he sat up slowly and swung his legs off the bed. it took him way to long to stand up. when he was finally on his feet, he sighed, looking around his room. way to white, way to empty. way to lonely. he leaned on the bed, his whole body shaking and his head hanging forward like it was just barely connected to his neck and he took a deep breathe, felling tears on his cheeks still. as much as he waned louis, wanted to touch him, feel him, anything, he couldn't do it. he couldn't look in louis' eyes, not after this. louis already though he was pathethic, this would not make it better. but before he could leave or do something, the doors opened and a nurse walked in. she sighed and rushed to harry's side, making him lay back down and she must have dome something else as well because everything got dark again.

he could feel fingers around his own again. harry moved his hand, their fingers falling together perfectly as he squeezed his hand and he felt his heart beating faster. he was fully awake now, but he won't open his eyes, not this time.

  
''harry?'' his heart started beating embaressingly fast so it must have been louis. he still won't open his eyes though. ''harry, are you awake?''  
''yeah.'' harry's voce was a whisper, his throath hurt from all the crying he had done.  
''can you open your eyes for me?''  
''no.''  
''why not?'' the fingers sqeezed harry's hand.  
''i dont'...'' harry trailed off and he sighed, shaking his head. he turned on his side, wincing.  
''you don't what?'' louis' other hand moved in harry's curls and harry almost smiled.  
''i...'' he couldn't tell him what, he didn't even know what himself. ''i don't know.''  
''i'm gonna call the doctor, wait a sec.'' harry felt the fingers slipping from his but he held tight, not wanting to let go.  
''no, don't do that.''  
''harry, you can't open your eyes, som-''  
''i can. i just don't want to.''  
''why not?''  
harry didn't answer. he didn't open his eyes either.  
''harry?'' Louis' voice was closer now and so was louis. harry could smell him. he always smeled like vanilla and caramel. it was addicting. he heard louis sigh and his beath hit harry's face. ''harry, please open your eyes.''  
the doors opened and harry heard a thump; he figured louis sat back down. ''hey, zayn.'' louis muttered.  
''hey.'' the doors closed and zayn walkd in; sat down. ''haz still asleep?''  
''no, he's awake.'' louis sighed. ''he won't open his eyes.''  
more footsteps. ''lou, get some coffee, i'll talk to this asshole.'' there was a smile in zayn's voice. harry heard louis stand up and he laid back on his back when the fingers were gone. the doors opened and closed. ''haz, why won't you open your eyes?''  
''tell louis to go.'' harry muttered. he felt like he was going to cry again.  
''why?''  
''he wanted to go to army, i don't want to keep him from that.'' his voice was breaking. ''not because i'm being pathethic.''  
''you're not-''  
''zayn.'' harry sighed.  
''open your eyes.''  
harry did, looking at the white ceiling, then at zayn, then at louis stanidng by the door, frowning.  
''you're not pathethic.'' louis said, walking closer, closer until he was right next to harry and harry could almost touch him.

he turned around again and kept silent until he fell asleep.

when he woke up, both louis and zayn were sitting on the sofa in front of him, talking to the doctor. only louis noticed he was awake and he made a funny face, making harry smile for the first time in weeks.

  
''is there anyone who could stay with him for a while?'' the doctor asked. ''he should be fine but he needs to eat and drink, his heart is still a bit weak.''  
''i'll do it.'' louis said ,smiling at harry. the beautiful smile, only the side of his lips tugging up and eyes shining. ''i'll look after him.''  
''alright then.'' doctor nodded. ''he should be fine to leave when he wakes up.''  
''i'm already awake.'' harry mumbled, sitting up with only a slight problem. he noticed the needles were gone. louis rushed to help him; harry loked at him with a small smirk on his face. ''if you're planning on babying me, i'll kick you.''  
louis laughed and ruffled harry's curls, pinched his cheeks. ''but you're such a baby.'' harry's cheeks turned pink and he pushed louis away weakly, mummbling fuck off even though he was smiling.

harry was back home in two hours. his doctor told him and louis what they have to do - eat, drink, be careful, your heart is damaged - and harry didn't talk. they drove home and harry didn't talk. louis sat him down and spent a couple of minutes just staring at him. harry looked at his feet as he spoke.

  
''you can go now.'' he said. ''i'm fine and you have to go to the army.'' his heart was breaking over and over again as the words left his lips and he had to grip his sweats so he wouldn't clutch his chest.  
''do you really think i'll leave you alone when you're like this?'' louis asked. harry felt him looking at him but he wouldn't look up.  
''i'm fine. '' he hissed and his chest hurt even more.  
''harry, you were in hospital because you weren't eating or drinking, you're obviously not fine.'' louis was mad, harry could hear it in his voice. he closed his eyes, knuckles turning white, fingers gripping his sweats as tight as possible.  
''i had a moment of weakness, i do-''  
''a moment?'' louis laughed, a bitter laugh. harry winced. ''you weren't moving for a week!'' he opened his eyes and he saw louis kneel on the floor in front of him, his hands on harry's knees. ''harry, i'm trying to help you.'' his voice was soft now, symphathetic. harry hated it. ''you need help.''  
''get out.'' harry muttered, eyes glaring at louis' hands, voice strained.  
''i- what?'' louis laughed, actually laughed this time and harry pushed his hands away and looked at him, glaring.  
''get out of my flat, louis.''  
''you're - are you actually serious right now?''  
they were both standing now, harry glaring and louis laughing with a shocked look. harry shook his head.  
''get out.''  
he watched louis leave again and it still hurt the same. as soon as louis' back was to him, he leaned on the wall, hands pressing on his heart, face scrunched up in pain. his vision was getting blurry now and he sli down the fall, head thrown back in pain. he had never been in so much pain.  
and then he felt hands on his shoulders, his chest; lips pressed to his forehead and he could breathe again. he opened his eyes slowly, coming face to face with louis.  
''stop pushing me away.'' louis hissed. ''you need me.''  
''i don't-''  
''shut up.''  
he let louis help him up, into the bedroom and on the bed. he didn't let go of louis whe he laid him down.  
''never do that again.'' louis mumbled. ''never push me away like that again.''  
''i'm just trying to make this easier.''  
louis laughed, a short, bitter laugh. ''for who?''  
''both of us.'' harry didn't look at him. ''for you - so you can leave again without feeling sorry for me, and for me - so i don't end up heartbroken again.''  
''again?''  
harry smiled a sad smile. ''my heart breaks everytime i look at you, louis.''  
louis was quiet for a while. then he sighed. ''haz, i told you-''  
''yeah.'' harry interruped. ''i'm too young, you're not looking for a relationship, it was a mistake.'' he closed his eyes; it still hurt the same. ''i remember.''  
''harry-''  
''don't.'' he sighed and stood up. he avoided looking at louis as he walked to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of vitamin water. when he came back to the bedroom, he didn't want to drink it anymore, so he just placed it on the bed side table and laid back down.  
''you gotta drink that.'' louis said, sitting up.  
''can't.''  
''try.'' he leaned over harry and grabbed the bottle, openingit and passing it to harry. ''if you drink it all, you get cuddles.''  
''i don't want your pity.'' he mumbled but he drank anyway, because he was so, so tired. he drank as much as he could, drank almost the whole bottle before he pushed it away. louis smiled softly, fondly even as he pulled off their clothes and cuddled up to harry, kissing his bare shoulder.  
''good boy.'' harry flushed; he was always a sucker for that phrase. he laid there for a while, body tense before he sighed and pulled louis on top of him, between his legs. ''harry, i'll crush you. you need to breathe.'' louis complained, but he still didn't move.  
''please.'' harry mumbled; louis sighed. he moved so they were both comfortable, his head over harry's heart and harry wrapped his arms around louis' body. he had to try really hard not to cry at that because even after all this, they still fit together like two puzzle pieces.

somewhere between falling asleep and being awake, their hands found each other; fingers and legs tangled.

harry let himself hope for that night, hope that louis just might change his mind.

when he woke up alone, his hope was gone once again.

it took a week for harry to get out of bed again. he ate and drank as much as he could but he felt disgusting. louis never mentioned that first night, he slept on the couch now. he never mentioned why harry was crying either. when harry finally got up he showered and then went to the living room, sat on the couch and stared at the tv even though it wasnt on. louis sat next to him but he didn't say aynthing.

  
''when are you leaving?'' harry asked.  
''what?''  
''when are you going back to the army?''

there was a pause. ''i'm not.''

  
''why not?''  
''i'm taking care of you.''  
harry closed his eyes. ''you should go.''  
''no.'' another pause. ''no, it was never really for me.'' harry wanted to scream then, wanted to ask why did he go if it wasn't for him, why did he leave harry. but he just nodded.  
''listen, harry.'' louis started. ''i told you i wasn't looking for anything right now and-''  
''don't.''  
''harry-''  
''louis.'' harry looked at him for the first time in a week; his eyes were red and brimmed with tears - that seemed permanent lately. he lookes so vulnerable, so young. ''please.'' his voice broke and his chest still hurt.  
''just listen to me, okay?''  
''i _can't_.'' harry whimpered, his body slumping forward, his head in his hands. ''please don't do this again, louis, i can't listen to it again.'' hot tears were already spilling over his cheeks and he felt louis' arms around him, trying to pull harry closer and harry wanted to go, but he knew it would just hurt more, so he flinched away. he heard louis sigh.  
''harry, listen to me.'' harry didn't move. ''when i got the text from zayn, just telling me you're in hospital and that he doesn't know if you'll make it..it.'' louis looked down, shaking his head. ''it broke my heart. i know i said i'm not for relationships but you...you take my breath away, harry. ever since i first saw you,i had to talk to you. and then we kissed and i swear i saw stars, i forgot where we were for a moment. i knew i was in love with you but you're so young. you have so much to see, so much to try and i can't take that from you.'' he sighed. harry's breath was uneven, his shoulders shaking.  
''lou-''  
''i'm not done yet, shush.'' harry chuckled lightly, wiping his face free of tears that kept coming. ''i'm not good for you, haz, i keep fucking up, i keep making you cry and that breaks my heart as well.'' he took a deep breath. ''i'm in love with you, harry, but you have so much more to do.''  
''i don't care.'' harry mumbled. ''i don't care about that, lou, i just need you.''  
''you have me.'' louis promised and when he reached out to pull harry closer, harry didn't flinch away, he let himself be pulled close, closer until he was in louis' lap. ''you've always had me, harry.'' he moved away, gently pulling harry's head close with his hand on his cheeks until their lips were pressed together. harry whined and gripped louis' shirt with nimble fingers, their lips falling slack against each others', just breathing into each others' mouth, their lips brushing.

and they could both swear it was sunny outside but with their lips pressed together they could see all of the stars.

**Author's Note:**

> this is something i've been working on for a while and i quite like it but please make sure to tell me what you think yourself c: i hope you like it x


End file.
